Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Not melting down

not melting down at the moment. I had a meeting with the campus counselor and cried for 30 minutes! It was the 1st time I have ever cried in a therapists office, right after that appointment was my appointment w/ the Kingsfield professor. I must have looked one hot mess. But the crazy worked and it was a simple, "you should work on that but I won't call on you, you can volunteer conversation." It's a strange thing, not having to worry about what your professors think of you, at all. They only grade your exams which are totally blind. Given how little I speak in class there is no way one of them could know which exam is mine.

I really should have dealt with this issue more before school (toastmasters, more therapy, something), but I really underestimated how much it was going to debilitate me. The professors definitely acted as though, I am far from being the first student of theirs to have this issue and they said as much. Now that my anxiety level is coming down, I really need to catch up. My fears were keeping me from working and concentrating on the first couple of weeks. I'm not even into week 3 and I feel really behind! Now that I know how each professor organizes their class it makes it much easier to tackle the work, why do they give so much work the 1st week? I mean, you really have no idea what you should be looking for, thinking about, or how to pace yourself.
It seems a little sadistic, welcome to law school.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

melt down

already? well sort of, just about the Socratic method. I have had treatment in the past for depression & anxiety. More than shyness I am phobic about public speaking even when I have a script in front of me. One class doesn't do random calling out, others I am hoping to strike an understanding with the professors that I will volunteer instead. One professor though I am going to speak to next week, his class is full on Socratic - I can't sleep, and I am having panic attacks. I missed a day of work and one class already b/c of it. I didn't trust myself to drive, I had gotten so little sleep I was seeing things (not really there) out of the corners of my eye. He strikes me as someone though who is not going to take me seriously. I am just afraid. I don't know that for certain. I have counseling appointment before I am going to talk to him. I have already thought about leaving school, I don't want to. I actually like the work, I like the reading, I like the writing. I don't ever, EVER see myself in court, negotiating, or anything like the traditional lawyer you see on TV. I would be happy to be in an office for hours and hours, just reading, writing and analyzing, or even not practicing and working in more of an administrative capacity, like a directer at non profit.... but we'll see I won't get a chance to talk to Prof. Kingsfield until next week and until then I am suffering, no sleep, stomach problems and chest pains! ugghhhhhh

Sunday, August 16, 2009

the first day of school is tomorrow!

Remember when your biggest worry was what to wear? Well I'm kinda missing those days!!

Did I mention I think it's weird to have all these reading assignments and not have a clue what my professors are like. I'm pushing through all this dense material, which I barely understand (is that normal?) and I'm not sure, am I preparing enough? what am I looking for? what should I be giving the most attention to? Should I be trying harder to understand every bit of it or is the general idea, okay?

So here is my weekend in a nutshell:

Friday 6:30pm - home, 1/2 hour dinner break, read until 11pm, bed

Saturday 8am, coffee, read, eat at computer, husband takes monkey to grandma's house, read, husband comes home with pizza for lunch, watch half of Ironman movie with him, stop movie to have "special time" together (we'll be lucky to keep that once week), back to reading,read some more, husband picks up monkey brings her home and puts her to bed, 10pm watch rest of Ironman, bed at 11, go to sleep 12.

Sunday 8am coffee, read until 10am, go get pedicure, read while getting pedicure, 11:30 can't read another word! go pickup monkey & husband we go out for pancakes, then Target, let monkey play with toys while I pick up more highlighters, I buy monkey a doctor kit, new crayons, and a princess wand (I think I am overcompensating), come home put in movie for monkey,

3pm and I'm tired!

I feel guilty for not doing more work today, but my eyes and brain are tired, and I feel a little frustrated that I'm finding the reading so difficult. I am even struggling with my property reading and I used to work in real estate. I already know what an easement is and what an encroachment is. I am trying to take advantage of the "light week" this week, and rest today and trying to tell myself that this is a marathon, not race, no sense in burning myself out the 1st few weeks. I finished all but 3 pages of reading that is not due until Thursday. But I have this nagging feeling that I didn't really "get" enough of the reading. I worried I skimmed too much, took too much from canned briefs, not enough of my own analysis, and won't be able to apply anything I read in a hypothetical that is thrown at me. Also I don't really have any time in the week, all my work needs to be done on the weekends. But if I am going to be humiliated in class via the Socratic method I guess the 1st week is the week to do it.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

First Days

Almost done with orientation, tonight is the last night. There has been some good information sprinkled in, but I think I am done with "yes it is as hard as you fear it is, but it's worth it" pep talks. Is that really supposed to be a"pep" talk? I haven't slept more than average of 5 hours a night since orientation started. I am borderline delirious, I can't slept whenever I do something new, I get too nervous and anxious. So I am kind of thinking trial lawyer is out, I would never sleep the nights before going to court. I would just babble incoherently at the court.  
Computer training was excruciating, I spent the last half of it helping the person next to me. Really? you could have just mailed me the log-ins and instructions. I think computer trainings should be sectioned out by skill level. 

I don't mean to sound negative b/c I am excited. I am just tried and feeling a little overwhelmed I just counted the pages of reading I have next week. 103 with a writing assignment and that's the "light first week". 

I am also a little annoyed at how many people keep saying "you should really try to limit your work hours or just not work". WHAT? what is the point of an evening program then? I have to believe an employer who looks at a resume that has nothing on it except for p/t law school and maybe some volunteering, is going to notice. I think it looks kind of lazy. I heard that from someone last night, who would come to school everyday at noon and just study until class? What are you going to tell people in an interview? "Like Dude I got to sleep in and be in the top 5% ".

Also the reality of how little I am going to see my monkey is hitting me, making me a little sad, but I glad I am here. I won't be the mom who always wondered "what if I went to law school"...

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Cry Baby

I cried at work, I don't know what happened. The last time I cried at work was when I was laid off and was saying goodbye to my co-workers. Other than that, I have cried after work plenty of times at home but not at work. I was having an exceptionally bad day and this nasty woman just set me off, luckily she is not in my office but instead ripped me a new one over the phone. I didn't tear up until I got off the phone. I tried to go to the bathroom and get myself together, but it didn't work. I chocked up in front of two people then left for an early lunch, and had a melt down in my car. It has been bothering me all weekend. I am pissed at myself that this woman who is just nasty, mean and crazy, and not anyone I have any respect for was able to get to me. Lawyers aren't supposed to cry and I feel personally responsible to all woman, not to play into stereotypes about "emotional females". I searched "DO WOMEN LAWYERS CRY" and came up with a couple of things that made me feel better:
Ms. JD
Presumed Equal

Anyone else have any embarrassing crying moments at work?