Mom and Law Student?

dream jobs be careful what you wish for.... I had an interview for my dream job that fell through a year & a half ago, they have an opening again.... kind of.  It's a federal job and they have permission to interview but not hire...yet.  At least I know how it works now & I am not getting my hopes up but they did call me back in & I don't think they are interested in wasting their time so I don't know what to think.  I got myself all worked up for the interview but it was all the same people who interviewed me last time.  Instead of bombarding me with all the "so tell us about yourself" kind of questions it was "so what have you been doing since we last saw you?" ..... Now more waiting.....

In the meantime I am working at a school so I have 12 school days off!! I get to stay home w/ my monkey for her entire winter break for the first time ever, SWEET!! and I am almost done with shopping so I get to be lazy, sleep in, watch movies, and bake.  If I get the dream job and actually get to start working there (this time)  I'll at least be well rested.  Fingers crossed.

I haven't been writing or using my brain in a while so please forgive the rambling, poor grammar, etc.

Alive? yes.  Kicking? umm not so much but I've come out of wallowing for the most part.   Since losing my dream job (which I never really had) and becoming a law school drop-out I've been stuck in an early(?) mid-life crisis, I'm 37.  Fortunately I don't look my age (or act it) so that's one big plus I have going for me.  I quit my awful soul crushing insurance job and I have been working (hanging out) in special education as a classroom assistant for peanuts. Seriously the pay is shameful I don't know how the single people manage but it does have medical insurance and I need medical.  DH is still a contract employee.  I am glad he is working but he has no benefits.  I was not offered another corporate job after half-hearty trying so I went running back to my past, being a caregiver for the disabled.  I would not call it teaching.  The students I work with are so medically fragile and low functioning if anything I am a glorified CNA. 

I'm an out-of-state credentialed teacher but I have no motivation for becoming credentialed in my state. I know this is only temporary.  None of my moves to find paying work in public interest panned out and because I need insurance and a paycheck (albeit small)  I can not do the volunteer work that may or most likely not lead to any real job offer.  I called one free legal services agency with weekend clinic hours that I used to do pro bono work for and they told me they had no available hours, they are fully staffed with volunteers!!

With so many out of work law school grads and super paralegals clamoring to work for free.  I've been doing some soul searching and considering other careers, teaching, some kind of therapy (speech, OT etc).  As much as I try to quit it law still calls to me like a bad habit or a bad boyfriend you can't get out your head.

Two experiences pulled me back and gave me a taste of what excited me in the first place.  I was called up for jury duty and spent six days being vetted (a questionnaire, call backs and three days of voir dire) for a serial killer trial.  I loved being in a courthouse.   I was excused for cause by the state (surprise, surprise!). Between my views on the death penalty & being a former paralegal I was dead in the water & was never going to be on that jury but I still had to go through the show. And what a show it was!! I just got a glimpse of some awesome lawyers at work and damn were they good! 

 The second experience was the school I work for was telling us classroom aides that we did not get breaks.   I tried to tell them I was a paralegal but it didn't seem to register with them.  The administration are complete bullies.  I made one phone call to the union and whahla we now all have breaks.  I have kept track of all the days I was denied a break and I'm considering pursing compensation.  I am legally entitled to one hour of pay for every missed break but I know it just takes away more $ from the students.  Another case of schools mismanaging tax $$...by pulling stupid stunts like this. 

It has been an interesting experience being treated so badly, for the most part it just rolls off my back. At this age I know myself well enough that I have nothing to prove to administrators or teachers their comments fall on deaf ears.  Classroom aides are treated for the most part like loser high school drop-outs, warm bodies, too uneducated to do anything better with themselves.  The last time I was so consistently condescended to was when I was waiting tables in my early twenties. It made me angry that people are taken advantage of and/or just too intimidated to fight for their rights.  I remembered what made me love the law and in particular made me become enamored with the idea of becoming a lawyer.  It's because nothing puts the fear in people like a lawsuit, or an investigation, or an audit. 

It's an intoxicating and powerful feeling to have skills to stick it to people who take advantage of others.  I know it's just a break but it's the principle also, I mean really?!? It's 15 minutes for people who work their asses off in special education with kids no one else wants or could even handle working with and you can't give them a break? a chance to rest? Even though it is against the law not to do so!  Anyway it fired me up.  I had my aha moment.  I remembered why I even attempted to embarked on this crazy journey.

So I started interviewing again, unfortunately they are corporate positions b/c they are they only ones who will call me back.  I swear I should have majored in Spanish.  A friend at a non-profit invited me to apply for a position but I didn't even get an interview.  I didn't have enough litigation experience or second language skills & they hire by committee. 

The agency which broke my heart a year and a half ago is hiring again although my contact there is in a different department now I am trying again.  I know they at least looked at my application b/c one of my documents didn't go through and the chief paralegal emailed me to ask for it.  It's a slim, slim, slim chance I'll even get an interview but I have to try.

With story after story I hear about unemployed legal professionals and law school grads who would happily give their degrees back for a tuition refund it's hard not be discouraged but we'll see how this all works out.  In the meantime I work close to home and I work the same hours that monkey is in school.  I have been able to spend lots of time with her and that has been great!!!!!!

And as for you law Every time I think I'm out.... - you pull me back in!

I'm down to 3 days a week at current job (my choice).  I barely do anything but try to look busy.  The pay is not too bad (for this economy), I have benefits but yet I still want to leave.  I'm learning nothing about anything I either care about or want to continue to work in, in the future.  Since no one reads this blog I'll say it, I work in insurance and I hate it.  I was laid off the same day as about 200 other big law people & the recruiters told me that I was soooo lucky to get this job.  But I can't stand insurance, it was only going to be for a year at the most and it's been over a year and a half.  I really tried to take an interest in it but every time I hear words like broker/producer/loss ratio/claims/medical review I want to either hurl or fall asleep.

The feds (my almost dream job) most likely (99% likely) do not have the money to hire me for the job I was originally offered.  They got less money approved for their budget than they asked for and they aren't going to create the position after all.  So I spent a good half hour on the phone the other night, cajoling/ begging them to offer me anything else.  Clerical support, secretary, I don't care, I'm not too proud, it doesn't have to be paralegal.  The only thing that looks promising is some contract work in the same office but a different unit.  I have to wait until next week to find out if that might happen.  No benefits and temporary but I would still take it in a heart beat.  So I wait some more.......

In the meantime I'm really enjoying the extra time w/ monkey. She is the sweetest thing ever.  DH is good, he loves his crazy far away job and is having a great time, if it only offered benefits me leaving for contract work wouldn't be such a big deal.   As fall approaches though it feels like it's not just the kids who need to go back to school. Mommy needs some intellectual stimulation too.  So I wait some more.......

Waiting to hear if I am going to get the job that was offered to me or not.  I MAY get some more news today. In the meantime DH got a job!!! woohoo!! It doesn't pay that much & it is ridiculously far away and I mean really really far, like he is driving 5 hours  day.  But it's in the field he wants and he is hella excited to be there everyday which is so great b/c he was rejected from both of the early transfer programs he applied to for the fall. Both cited record number of applicants for the reason he was not getting a spot, but still it stung.  If he didn't have this job & was only headed back to Community College this fall it would have been a lot harder to take. 


Well at least one of our careers is headed in the right direction, mine has sputtered to a halt.  As I wait and wait to see if the funds are going to be there for me in the fall. Also b/c DH is never home now I cut my work hours, which has amazingly reduced my panic attacks & depression, go figure.  I had asked just to cut off an 1-2 hours a day, but only in bizarre corporate world with employee handbooks which are sacred texts not to be questioned, challenged or changed does it make more sense for me to work three (3) full days instead.  So being that was all they would do, I took it.  I'm paying through the nose for preschool w/ before & after school care ($900 a month) for 3 days a week.... strange. I am mostly working for the medical benefits and daycare.  It is fun for the summer a lot of her friends are home for the summer & we have some plans and play dates on the 2 weekdays I am home, but I am still anxious.

I still really want this job so much so it has ruined all other job prospects for me.  I look at other ads and I am not motivated, I can't bring myself to apply (not that there are many job ads to even apply to).  I am kind of hoping to get laid off, even though 2 lay offs in a row would suck on my resume.  I had to do a lot of explaining on why I was laid off in my interview, it was like wow you people really do work for the government, b/c being laid off ain't nothing in this economy... I explained & explained and finally just said "it was the real estate market & credit freeze", which is was and left it at that.  My references were great, I think that was a major reason I got the unofficial offer that now may be no offer at all.  

I'm rambling... so while the summer is fun, by fall I want my career to be in a different place.  I screwed up at work yesterday after saving the company several hundred dollars that morning I promptly lost it with a fine (on my screw up) that we are probably not going to be able to get out of.... major ooops! and reducing my hours was a major flag to company saying wow if she can do her job in 3 days, do we need her at all?  I knew that was a major risk w/ going p/t but I also commute and someone has to be w/ our child, so family first....

Anywho, I am still kicking

Are you kidding? Two panel interviews, where I sat at the head of a conference table and had questions hurled at me for an hour, my references where called and I was verbally offered the job, talked benefits, start dates... but oops now funding has hit a "snafu." Are you kidding???

I thought big law was a bureaucracy? Nope.. HELLO government!

Now there is a 50/50 chance of no job at all. I feel sick; socked in the stomach; sucker punched; the rug pulled out and every other phrase you can think of. But the worst thing? This job has completely ruined all other job prospects, this was the ONE, the one I want/wanted so much.... I need to go get drunk now : (

My start date got pushed out until....?? Waiting for the funding to come through. Although everything looks like it's good to go, they are waiting on official funding to give me a new start date.

It's a government position, I am really excited and I am dying. Either way I'm 99% sure I am giving my notice before I have a firm start date. I could be really screwing myself but I'm just done and sometimes you need to just make new things happen. But it's really scary DH just finished school for the semester and is out for the summer. He has a couple of job leads but no job yet. So there is the potential that we could both be out of work w/ no income and a very limited amount of funds to survive on....

But husband asked me today "which one causes you more stress the idea of being out of work or having to continue to work where you are?" Hands down to continue to go to work at the place I'm at now, causes me the most stress. The economy has just sucked so much, but you can only tell yourself "I'm lucky at least I have a job" for so long and still believe it...

Since this more of a rant post anyway, don't holiday weekends suck when you are waiting to find out big job news?

Epilogue or new chapter? I am not sure or as I would say the jury is out (so corny, I know). For the last 8 months or so I have been in a deep depression. I left law school. I didn't even make it through finals. Since then I have been deeply depressed and thinking about what to do next. I HATE my job! I have trying to make the best of it and trying to be grateful that I found it before my Big Law severance ran out. But it sucks! It is the most boring practice area ever! and it's in house so no pro bono work and it is a very punch the clock, talk about how close it is to Friday all week long sort of place. Also being in super conservative corporate land when you want to be in non profit is Hell! People are so conservative & can't keep their traps shut, there is a reason I don't listen to faux news and I don't want to hear that crap at work!

As to why I quit school, so many reasons. I had to admit to myself I was trying to do too much. Any woman who works full-time, has a big commute, attends law school at night and has a young child at home, I truly bow at your feet. The Socratic method caused intense anxiety and flashbacks. It's embarrassing b/c I thought I was strong enough to deal w/ my issues. I think if I had more time to devote to school and if I didn't have to work so much maybe things would have worked out differently but for right now, school is a no go.

I have been contemplating giving up on law entirely. I been thinking about working directly w/ people again in some sort of teaching or social services area. But then I applied on a fluke for a paralegal position in public interest. I NEVER thought I would get it and I am still sort of in shock. I don't have the official offer letter yet but I've been told baring some freak loss of funding the position is mine. Not sure how much I want to share yet but it ain't going to be boring in fact it's probably about as intense and as high stakes as you can get. I haven't given notice to current job yet and my tentative start date is over a month away.

I'm excited and nervous. This is going to be my blank or get off the law job pot.